Reay Jespersen

Holy CRAP! There are birds there now! It’s like they’re little winged heralds of irony, showing up mere minutes after I made that birdfeeder post.

Some little white and black-hooded birds came out of nowhere and started using the bird feeder, not only partaking in the (smaller) sunflower seeds from the side, but eating the seeds from the suet squares.

I don’t want to be an alarmist, but birds becoming eaters of meat byproducts may… MAY signify the end of days. Get the word out!

And if you have “beef, sheep, etc.” livestock, for the love of god, protect their loins and kidneys!

… I think toasted, buttered cinnamon raisin bagels and chocolate milk is the breakfast of champions.

That’s what I’m having, after all, and I’m a champion (in my head).

This is the first time I’ve sat in the home office and watched the bird feeder we put out on the back deck. It was a present from a friend of ours. It’s a pretty highbrow affair made of cedar, with a plastic-encased centre chamber for seeds, and two narrow fry basket-type deals on either end for suet and seed squares.

So there are these two little birds - they look like sparrows, but one is pretty red on the head and breast, so I’ve got no clue what they are - that have been hanging out on our deck lately. Thus far, it looks like they’ve only been sharpening their beaks on the berry bush beside the deck (so help me, that’s what it looks like) and eating the crusty snow on the deck railing. I wasn’t sure what they’re eating, but obviously they’re surviving on something. So I thought the bird feeder would be a big hit. In my typical cinematic way of envisioning things, I saw myself putting the bird feeder out and going back inside and turning around to see it alive with birds of all kinds looking to cash in on a free meal. Such wasn’t the case, of course.

So I’m sitting here and looking back there and it doesn’t look like there have been any takers yet, at least none taking any significant amount. And the two little birds just came by, sharpened their beaks on the bush branches, ate some snow, and then - finally - took notice of the bird feeder suspended over their heads. They went to check it out, and the first one up there, rather than noticing the tray of open seeds at its feet, looked like it clonked its head on the clear plastic siding, where all the seeds are stored. Apparently, birds aren’t caught up on the concept of clear plastic.

I was thinking, though, that the sunflower seeds we stocked in the centre silo may be too big for these birds anyway. It would be like a human getting a hamburger three feet wide. But the suet squares on the side cages of the feeder have various tiny little seeds in them. Much better for wee birds, I’d think.

But now I’m wondering about the medium. I could totally see interest in a pressed square of just seeds, but having suet as the glue holding them together? Isn’t suet some kind of animal fat? Yes. Ok. It is. I just looked it up. So offering birds the seeds they so desperately want in these lean winter days but only combined with “the hard fatty tissue about the loins and kidneys of beef, sheep, etc.” seems a bit of a cruel joke.

Birds, unless I’m totally off on my recollection, aren’t big on animal byproducts. Are flocks of sparrows ever seen swarming cows to get to that succulent kidney fat? Not that I’ve ever heard, which is pretty good news for cows (and really, with the lives they lead, any bit of good news will do…) So what makes people think that such a product would be a great substance to put seeds in for creatures that have no interest in it?

It strikes me as akin to marketing a treat product for cats that’s pieces of meat driven into a 2X4. Like, come on… it’s meat! Cats love meat! What does it matter what’s holding the meat together?

There’s also a distinct chance that I’m overthinking this. After all, the bird feeder industry’s been around an awful lot longer than I have, so presumably they’re onto something with the suet concept. All I know for sure is the empirical evidence that’s before me: wee birds who could use a good snack on these chilly days are going for the proverbial 3-foot hamburger instead of the smorgasbord of tiny seeds packed in (now frozen) animal fat.

More updates on this exciting topic to follow!

So I entered a screenwriting contest online last week, deftly submitting it on the last day of the early bird reduced rate. I sent in the one I’ve gotten the most traction with, which I’ve never claimed is brilliant or the best thing ever put to paper or even an Oscar contender but is, I can say as objectively as possible under the circumstances, hands down better than some of the stuff being produced these days. And I’d say that’s a pretty fair measuring stick.
Will it be the best movie ever?
No.
Ok, is it better than some of the stuff bring produced these days?
Hell yes.
BAM.

In any case, the automated system said that I’d hear back within three days if there was anything wrong with the attachment. Apparently such is not the case, as I haven’t heard anything, which means my little screenplay is on its way to certain fame and money-making! At least… such is the case in my head.

So I recently came across a publication called A Thousand Faces, which is geared to stories about real world (or perhaps more accurately, non-traditional-4-colour) superheroes. In the submissions, they mention that they want well-written stories which wouldn’t work if the superhero element were removed from them.

While smacking more than a bit of the TV show Heroes, it also struck me as a kind of cool idea to have anyone from anywhere write their own stories about their own characters, without adhering to an overall story arc.

I’ve come up with several story concepts to send in, of which I’ve nearly concluded one and have just started another.

Hopefully I’ll be able to pass along some good news on the publication front soon.

So Obama was sworn in as the 44th President of the United States yesterday.
Also, he’s black.

There. I said it.

I just wanted to get that out of the way for anyone who wasn’t sure about it, or who felt that it was something that shouldn’t be mentioned, because… um… yeah, it really, really should. How could it possibly not be?

One of my wife’s co-workers mentioned that we shouldn’t bring up the fact that Obama’s black, because that makes it a race thing. My take on it? The man’s the first black President of the most powerful country in the world. It’s not being made a race thing, but you can hardly look past it.

Now, should Obama have won because he’s black? Of course not. No more than anyone’s race should have any effect on what they should or shouldn’t be able to achieve. He was, from what debates I saw (and of course the intangibles of what I felt), the better choice between the two candidates. I wouldn’t have voted for him on the basis of his being black any more than I would not have voted for McCain because he’s white. I’ll always go with the person who strikes me as the one whose platforms most closely match my own views on things, regardless of their colour or gender.

What I hope, but I fear isn’t the case, is that others did the same when it came time to vote a few months back. I’d like to think that Obama was voted in based on his stances on the country’s/global situation; that he was the best man for the job all around, and not that he’s a black man and “wouldn’t it be awesome to see a black man in office?”

In short, the race thing is something that people are very wary to bring up, understandably. But the first black man in history to run the United States? That deserves mentioning. When the first female U.S. President is voted in - and I assure you, it is a “when” not an “if” - that’ll be a big deal, as well.

When we get to the fourth black man to be voted in - or the sixth woman - it starts becoming less an issue. At that point, we should hopefully be more assured that the vote was based on best person for the job, not “oh, it would be so cool to see a [blank] in office!”

In any case, I sincerely hope that he can live up to the crush of weight and hopes that have been pinned on him by people around the world - also arguably undeserved, as well as owing to his colour. The man doesn’t just have a full plate, but a heaping one. I’d hope that anyone stepping into that position would be able to handle their situation, whatever their colour may be.

So I was attending a panel discussion on books tonight, and caught up afterwards with the guy who, as it turns out, runs HarperCollins Canada. We chatted one-on-one for about ten minutes. Very genial guy who, of course, I hope will ultimately be greenlighting some of my own work in the near future.
I get the impression my knees were shaking from more than the cold, but if he picked up on any nervousness, he certainly didn’t let on.

Overall awesome?
Yes.

So I’ve entered the annual Toronto Star Short Story contest yet again. Here’s hoping I’ll pull off better than a runner up position this time around. Sadly, I won’t hear back about it for a few months yet.

In the mean time, I’ve decided to start entering more contests. Not only will I finally be taking advantage of some of the contests through e-mail lists I’m on, but I’ll finally start taking advantage of the contest material I’ve started highlighting in last year’s Writers Market.

And in the mean time-mean time, I’m still actively writing every day (a holdover from that 100 day challenge touched on a while back), and though my focus is still split among various projects, it’s at least fewer things than it has been before, which is getting more done all around.

I’ll also try to update the website here more often. No promises, though.

******* SPOILERS *******

Kate Winslet: Hey, Leo DiCaprio. You’re young and attractive and whimsical.

Leo DiCaprio: Now I’m a grown man doing a job I don’t like but must keep to pay for our suburban lifestyle. Including our 2 kids, who you see maybe four times in the movie. (Aside to audience: It also lets me be close to a woman that looks like Mel from Flight of the Conchords, who’s I guess attractive in an odd way, so I’m starting an affair with her.)

KW: I hate you and I hate this life.

LD: I hate things, too!

KW: Now I love you again.

LD: Well, you-… I… what?

Realtor: Could my clinically insane son visit?

KW: Of course!

KW & kids (burning one of their appearances): Happy Birthday, Leonardo DiCaprio!

LD: [tear]

KW: We have enough money to move to Paris, like you said you wanted to, back when you were young and attractive and whimsical!

LD: Really? But-

KW: No, let’s!

LD: But-

KW: No, let’s!

LD: Ok. Yes, let’s!

Everyone in the movie: You’re doing what?

KW & LD: Did you see their expressions? We’re drunk and horny. Let’s do it here and now! UH-UH!

Realtor’s Clinically Insane Son: I’m the most oddball yet insightful character in the movie. I’m going to drop some meaningful stuff right here, and it’ll strike a chord with you.

KW & LD: He’s the only one who gets us.

KW: I’m 10 weeks pregnant.

LD’s boss: Here, have a promotion!

KW: But what about Paris?

KW and LD’s neighbour friend: We’re drunk and horny. Let’s do it here and now! UH-UH!

KW: I hate you and I hate this life.

LD: Yeah, so about Paris. Also, about your sanity…

KW: I love you. Now I will abort our child in a dangerous manner. [Dies]

Realtor: Pfft. I never liked them anyway.

End.

Jackie and I saw it with some friends this weekend - more as a back-up solution to the one we wanted to see, which was too crowded - and while I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s two hours of my life I’ll never get back, I’d certainly recommend your reconsidering seeing it.

It’s heavy and brooding and kind of depressing, and I left the theatre without feeling like I’d seen something important or particularly moving.

It’s going to be up for Oscars, I have no doubt, but that just underscores the reality that - as I’ve found with both books and movies - just because it’s up for (or has won) awards doesn’t mean it’s my thing.

As said to friends, I guess check it out if you’re feeling too happy and could use some sobering up, but other than that? Take a pass.